HUNTSVILLE, A -- "Jesus Christ, Son of God and noted pro-life activist, killed two and critically wounded several others when He opened fire in the waiting room of a Huntsville abortion clinic.

.....Security guards at the Women's Medical Clinic of Huntsville were able to disarm the Messiah before He could reload his weapon, a second-hand Glock 9mm pistol authorities said He purchased legally at a Jackson, MS, sporting-goods store.

.....'Abortion is a sin,' said Christ as He was led away in handcuffs. 'It is an abomination in the eyes of Me.'

.....Witnesses said the attack, which took the lives of Dr. Nelson Woodring, 51, and the clinic nurse Danielle Costa, 29, came from 'out of nowhere.'

.....'He walked up to the admissions desk and asked if He could see Dr. Woodring,' receptionist Iris Reid said. 'The next thing I knew, He was shouting Bibical verses and opening fire on everything that moved.'

.....'It was horrible,' said injured clinic nurse Jessica Combs, recovering at a local hospital with bullet wounds to her right leg and abdomen. 'He put His hands over Dr. Woodring's head and told him He forgave him for his sins and then shot him right in the face.'

.....Huntsville police officials are not certain how the Messiah was able to bypass clinic guards and proceed undetected past security cameras and into the clinic waiting room, where He produced the gun from its hiding place in the folds of His robe. Federal investigators are similarly baffled, saying that the heavily armed Christ had moved in 'mysterious ways.'

.....Speaking to reporters from His holding cell, Christ. 33, said He had 'no regrets' about His actions.

.....'As I said in John 16:21, every life is precious,' Christ said. 'This means every life, not just those who have already been born. My father, the Lord, feels the same way I do. In Jeremiah 1:5, He said unto the prophet Jeremiah, 'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.' The unborn fetus is a sacred, living creation of my Father in Heaven and should be treated as such.'

.....Added Christ: 'What if the Virgin Mary had decided to abort Me? Certainly she must have been tempted to do so. After all, it wasn't even her decision to conceive Me in the first place. But in the end, she made the right decision, bringing her pregnancy to term and giving the world a Savior. Blessed is she among women.'

....According to legal experts, if convicted, Christ could face the death penalty.

....'The state of Alabama has the death penalty, and this crime is certainly of the sort that would be construed as a capital offense,' Auburn University law professor Arthur Lipscomb said. 'With the right judge and jury, Christ could very well be put to death yet again.' In such a case, Lipscomb said, Alabama would likely use lethal injection rather than crucifixion.

.....Christ said He was unafraid of the prospect of execution. 'Those who know Me know I am willing to die for the sins of others, whether those sins be avarice, slothfulness, false idolatry, or the butchering of unborn life,' Christ said. 'The bottom line is, abortion stops a beating heart.'

.....Tuesday's shooting is not Christ's first brush with the law. On April 8, 29, He was arrested in the Roman province of Judea for alleged false claims to the throne of the Kingdom of Israel. On Jan. 11, 1996, He and six other pro-life activists were jailed for blocking the entrance to a Cheektowaga, NY, abortion clinic. In October 1997, He was arrested for plotting to mail Anthrax-laced packages to two dozen abortion doctors across the U.S.

.....'Abortion is an abomination. It is a sin. It is murder,' Christ said. 'I only did what any good Christian would have done.'

.....Christ's followers have been overwhelmingly supportive of their leader.

.....'As it says in Psalm 139:13-16, 'For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body,' said Raph Anson of the Houston-based Every Life Is Precious Foundation. 'Those people at that clinic were killers, and they deserved to die.'

.....'We may not understand everything He does, but we must believe it is for the best.' said Rev. Joseph Abernathy of First United Baptist Church of Huntsville. 'As Christians, it is not our duty to question what our Savior does. We can only live according to His example.'"

According to a disclaimer at the beginning of this book, it is the policy of "the ONION" to use ficticious names except for well-know public figures eligible for satire. Obviously Jesus Christ is judged to be in this last category. Dr. R. Holt